I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
be right there i have to get my cape
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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