God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
