I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
