her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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