Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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