i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
