wrigley field is MILF paradise
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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