We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
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Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
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Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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