first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
