i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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