His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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