My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
