he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
