life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
