I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
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I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
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SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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