So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
