What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
