She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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