she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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