Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
