i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just invented taco cereal.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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