I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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