M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
