he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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