You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
