I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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