You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
