I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
