I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
