how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
