when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
