I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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