Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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