I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
