Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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