I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
