Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
