I accidentally had phone sex last night
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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