just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
