I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
