I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
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College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
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we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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