can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
