i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
