I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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