Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
