Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
