I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She's the barista slut.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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