I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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