sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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