apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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