Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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