just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
