well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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