I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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